The Adventures of QuiGon Gin and the Nabooze
by That Mysterious Figure
Summary: A semi-accurate summary of the events of Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace.


Once upon a time there was a Jedi named Qui-Gon Gin. Qui-Gon enjoyed the simpler things in life – such as gin. One day Qui-Gon and his best friend Obi-Rum Kenobi went to visit the Trade Federation so they could trade for some gin. But when they arrived on the ship, they learned something terrible. The Trade Federation was blockading all the Nabooze! So Qui-Gon and Obi-Rum got on another ship so they could go down and save all the Nabooze.

On the Naboozes' planet Nabooze Qui-Gon and Obi-Rum were disappointed not to find Nabooze but to find Jar-Jars. And these Jar-Jars weren't full of good stuff – like Gin-Gin. They were full of annoying. So the annoying Jar-Jars lent our two somewhat respectable Jedi a space submarine to swim though the planet's core to the Naboozes' capital, where the Trade Federation was occupying the city so Queen Armadillo would sign a treaty that would do something.

SOMETHING BAD.

So our two honestly disappointing Jedi save the Nabooze government and fly away in a spaceship to find a place where they can brew some gin. They land on the desert planet Tatooine because they ran out of space gas or something. Qui-Gon, Jar-Jar, and Natalie Portman – yeah, Natalie Portman is on the ship too, and she's totally not Queen Armadillo – go off in search of space gas, which in Qui-Gon's language translates to "gin" (although most stuff in Qui-Gon's language translates to "gin,").

They meet a flying anteater named Watto von Bismarck who agrees to sell them a bottle of gin in exchange for their spaceship. Qui-Gon happily agrees, eager to keep soberness at bay to make sure he doesn't make any good decisions. Our three musketeers – that's French for "dumbasses" – spend the night at the house of Bismarck's slave, Anakin. While there Qui-Gon learns something way cool. Anakin has lots of mitochondrias, which lets him use the Force. Trippy, ey?

Anyhoo, deciding he wants Anakin now Qui-Gon bets Watto (remember kids, gambling is good) in a Pod Race. A Pod Race is something desert people do when they're not shooting womp rats or being slaves or whatever. Anakin wins and leaves his the planet and his mother, which will totally not bite everyone in the ass later. When they're leaving they get attacked by Darth Maul, which leads to nothing. Shocking, ey?

So our ragtag group of misfit toys finally reach Coruscant only to have the Senate tell them to deal with the whole invasion thing by themselves. How productive. Guess they're not a fan of Nabooze.

So our time-wasting gang of hooligans goes back to Nabooze to do what they should have done a few paragraphs ago. They convince the other Jar-Jars to distract the computer generated droid army while Qui-Gon and friends go get some gin. Oh, and Natalie Portman is the Queen of all Nabooze. Take that as you will.

So while the Jar-Jars realize spears and dinosaurs kinda suck against guns and tanks Qui-Gon and friends infiltrate the Nabooze capital. They fight around and break shit until Darth Maul shows up again. Rather than shoot him they begin this super long lightsaber fight, but not before putting the traumatized 8 year old slave boy in the cockpit of a starfighter with advanced weaponry and telling him "not to touch it." That's like telling Qui-Gon to not drink gin. It's his last name for Pete's sake.

So to wrap things up Qui-Gon gets his ass kicked by Darth Maul who in turn gets his ass kicked by Obi-Rum. Qui-Gon's last words were to "train the boy – what could possibly go wrong? (Spoilers: He becomes Darth Vader.) Also get me some gin. Blarg."

Queen Armadillo or Natalie Portman or whoever the hell she is gets her kingdom or something back from Viceroy Gunray (oh yeah, he was the bad guy or "antagonist" if you will. Personally I think the antagonist was common sense).

Anakin manages to blows up the conveniently important droid "control ship" (I like to call it the droid "plot device") despite, well, everything. This unfortunately saves the Jar-Jars from extinction.

Our story finally closes with our supposed "protagonists" standing holding a blue glowy thing that no one knows what it is.

**A/N: This is what happens when I write a story late at night based off a funny conversation I had with my friends 0_o**


End file.
